June, what a doozy...
cw: grief, homicide
June always does a number on my mental health, even without the added dread of current events. So this was an especially tough one.
June 16, 2022- 16 years since my mother’s murder & my attempted murder
June 26, 2022- 16 years since I was released from the hospital
June 28, 2022 - 16 years since her viewing
June 29, 2022- 16 years since her funeral
and well, you get the drift.
It doesn’t seem fair that time keeps pulling us farther and farther apart. I miss her so much.
As of last year, 2021, I started trying to think of June 16 as a celebration. A celebration of life, my life, and hers. Last year went well, actually. But this year on June 16 my cat also needed surgery to amputate her tail. We found out recently she has cancer, she had a tumor that burst on her tail. I had cats my whole life, but she was the first one I ever got on my own. I got her when I was 21 after crying all night missing my mom. I decided a furry friend was the answer, and she has never let me down.
I wasn’t ready to lose her. And thank Gods I didn’t.
They did a scan to make sure it hadn’t spread to her lungs the day of the surgery, because if it had, they didn’t think surgery would be a good idea. So I was a complete mess until they gave me the results, and since it hadn’t, she had her surgery. It went well. There was a chance she could decline after surgery and recovery, but so far, so good. She’s a little fighter. She will be 14 on July 15th. My little baby.
Between my mom stuff and the cat, I spiraled into a horrible depression. I’m barely starting to come out of it. I meant to send this newsletter a few weeks ago, I had it all planned out. I was going to do a celebration of life, document it, and then send it to you all. But it didn’t happen the way it did last year. I still did it, but it wasn’t pretty (the way most of my healing isn’t, tbh). There were no good photo ops.
My therapist says I need to find ways to disrupt this vicious cycle each day. I’m trying, damnit! It’s so fucking hard. I live with depression every day, managed by medication, but this is my fancy ‘horrible anniversary date’ depression.
I’ve been wondering a lot about my grief recently. It’s been 16 years, it should be a little easier now, right? It still comes on so intense. I wonder about others who grieve and it seems most people are doing ‘better’ than me at this point. It makes me wonder if it’s because of the circumstances and trauma around her death. What if I didn’t witness her murder, would I be able to let go of this a little easier? Am I clinging to grief to keep her memory near? Is it because I saw her being attacked and didn’t stop it? Could I have even stopped it? What’s really going on?
I guess I might never know because all I know is what I feel. I don’t get to see what goes on in other grieving peoples homes and behind closed doors. I only know what I read about and see other’s share. I hope me sharing my story helps others and makes others not feel so alone in their grief and heaviness.
I did a podcast about the story of my mom’s murder/my attempted murder if you’d like to hear it. It’s one of my favorite podcasts I ever did.
What’s going on with me:
~ Still writing every week on Patreon and doing Tarot Tuesday pulls for patrons. I will be participating in #CampNaNoWriMo this July and writing lots more content for the P, so if you’re curious, come join us over there!
~ Still wanting to create vlogs, and I will, I’m just not sure when. I did make the YouTube channel though.
~ I did a giveaway in my FB group and sent the winner her planner, notebook, clear quartz, and stickers today! I will be doing another one soon, if you’d like to join the FB group and enter.
~ Today we recorded the final episode of Queers Next Door. Got my dusty ol’ mic out. It was bittersweet. I will miss it. I’ll let you all know when the episode it released, but you can catch up on the pod here.
Had to go with a little Wizard of Oz this time, only because it makes me happy. And I can use all the happiness right now.
How are you holding up, loves? Please don’t forget to take care of yourselves and each other. And if you’d like to share your experience of grief with me, respond and share away. I’d love to hear from you.
~ Donate to an abortion fund: AbortionFunds.org
~ Help independent clinics: KeepOurClinics.org
See you next month!